Monday, March 12, 2012

Squeeze My Melons and Plow My Furrow, Part 3: Honey, I Hit Dinner--Vehicular Hunting

Some people buy turkey breast at the store.  Some people purchase a whole turkey from a CSA farmer.  Some people hunt turkeys in the spring.  Lee hits turkeys with his truck, brings them home, and eats them.
Lee practices vehicular hunting, which is when a person intentionally or unintentionally hits an animal with their vehicle and then takes it home to eat.  This is different from the mean motherfuckers who purposely swerve to hit cats, or the fringe eaters who take home found road kill to consume.  Vehicular hunters simply choose to hunt animals with their vehicles as the opportunity presents itself.  Lee is not only a vehicular hunter, but he's also Pagan.
Lee, who has been hunting this way for 17 years, first realized the ideas for vehicular hunting when he was 13 and his mother hit a rabbit.  Instead of just leaving it in the road, she stopped and took it home for supper.  Three years later he got his first chance to try it.  
"I was driving home from work one day, taking the back roads as always (back then we still had plenty of dirt roads) when I saw a hen turkey crossing the road. I floored it, and the turkey began to run on across the road, so i swerved to hit it. (You don't swerve on a dirt road going 55.) I lost control of the car, and the car went spinning around in the road coming to a stop, hitting a mail box, sending the mail box flying up in the air, and landing beside my car. I jumped out to see how bad I was in the ditch. I was lucky. I jumped back in and hauled ass home. That's when the fever hit me."

While a turkey was Lee's cherry animal, since then he has hunted with his vehicle rabbits, deer, more turkeys, and an accidental owl.  Lee isn't sure how many animals he has in his kill count.  "How many times have you masturbated?" Lee responded,"It's the same.. .you don't keep count."
Lee's connection to the Divine has played a part in his hunting practices.  Following in the footsteps of his God, he continues to hunt with his vehicle. 
"Most gods were opportunist gods. I know mine was," Lee contends.  "If he had a truck that could graze a hare and kill it, he sure would of been in one and hung his rabbit stick from the rear view mirror. Shit! He would be sailing down the road with a nymph sucking his cock and two more nymphs in the back seat of his extended cab waiting their turn, a big 24oz of beer in the holder, smoking a big doobie, jamming to David Allan Coe, with his hounds on back of the truck, tongues flapping in the wind--and a jar of 'White' stashed under his seat. Yep, that's my god."
Because vehicular hunting is highly illegal, with legal ramifications ranging from heavy fines to losing your vehicle, Lee cautions to keep your kills to yourself.  He knows of several folks who have been caught. "Keep something to cover/hide the animal under," Lee advises, " it's illegal as hell. And they will fine you. Never swerve to hit an animal. Always keep straight and down gear."
Happy Hunting!
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